I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
