I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
