feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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