well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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