did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
