i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
