I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just had sex on a roof
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize