I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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