Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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