my phone needs a breathalizer
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
