once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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