Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
