I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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