I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
