yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
