A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
