Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
