oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
