someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
