i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
