Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She announced her abortion via fbk
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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