i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
