I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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