I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
