can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
