Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
