sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
someone owes me an orgasm
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
