Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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