dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
