You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
