Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize