the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
