there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
