dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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