Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
