I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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