That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
