I will die if light touches me.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
