My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize