Im at strip club and am horny
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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