Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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