You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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