we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
