True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
