as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
