can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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