Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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