my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize