Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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