Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
