the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
