ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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