We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
