I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
