Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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