We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
